Stay “WILD” while you WALK!

Hey everyone!

So, Monday we talked about how to stay TRUE to YOU. By doing so, you allow yourself to be a better Mom. 

And with this foundation, you can then begin to become an actual “WILD MOMMY”. 

You see, being a Wild Mommy is about BREAKING the STEREOTYPES and NORMS of motherhood.  It means, busting down walls of non-communication between parents and children, to create an involved and enriched relationship, which in turn leads to the creation of engaged, intelligent and caring children.

There are TWO aspects of being a Mom, that have become broken throughout the years.

#1- Communication

#2- Involvement

We have steadily allowed the lack of these 2 things to place a wedge between parents and children. And, we have all seen the future that is coming BECAUSE of the breakdown of them. Kids are getting into more trouble than we have before. More teenagers are becoming parents, dropping out of school and basically throwing their lives away. And if you do NOT think that there is a direct correlation between the way we raise our children and the choices they make in their futures, you’re wrong. That’s not to say there aren’t some exceptions, but on the whole, a good parent will raise a good kid, which will grow into a decent adult.

But this isn’t the first time a Mom has made a clarion call for better, more involved parenting. And yet, the state of our children continues to worsen And more and more parents are LESS AND LESS involved. It has become a SERIOUS EPIDEMIC. The raising of children without a strong moral compass, simply due to lack of communication or involvement from parents MUST END!!! So, since that IS the reason I am HERE, we can begin:

#1- Talk to your children!!!

It is a tragedy that so many parents just simply do not talk to their kids. There is absolutely no reason, either, other than selfishness. There are a few different levels of communication I am talking about here.

The first is BASIC communication. Communicating enough to fulfill their basic needs.

Second is PERSONAL communication. Communicating about their personal lives and decisions.

Third is DEEP communication. Communicating about deeper, more generalized topics that inspire DEEP thought in children.

The first type, BASIC COMMUNICATION, is something most parents do. The difference between WILD MOMMY BASIC and just basic, is that not only should we be able to talk to them and find out their needs, but your child should always feel like they can at least ask. So many parents, I see it all the time, get just plain ANNOYED by the questions their kids ask. By your annoyed response, you are teaching your child that it isn’t okay to ask questions. And that is awful! The best thing we can send our kids off with is a sense of curiosity, It inspires them, motivates them and keeps them interested in LIFE. So, why would we want to shut that down? But we do. We get tired of answering their endless questions. Then we begin either, just not answering, or answering in short, not really helpful answers. And that’s the other half of the problem. If you’re going to answer your child’s questions, don’t CAP THEIR INTELLIGENCE!! hah! Explain the REAL answer. Not a baby one. Since day 1, I have done this with Boo. She is always encouraged to ask me anything. and I am always willing to have, not just answers, but CONVERSATIONS. There is nothing more amazing, than just HEARING what your kid is curious about, either. My daughter, she knows things that some school aged kids don’t. Everyone who meets her, finds her intelligent and articulate. And it’s because of this. Anytime she asked me a question, I had a well-educated and intelligent response. Sometimes, it took a LOT of explaining. And it takes, using up your WHOLE vocabulary to explain BIG words with SMALL ones. But the outcome is tremendous. They will begin to actually search the world for questions. and that’s we want. We want our children out there, searching for answers and education! In addition, I will again mention discipline. In my previous blog, I explained how punishment should always exist, but explanation should as well. Again, I will reference my Boo. She can tell you WHY she is in trouble and will also tell you it is her fault. Because every time she is in trouble, I COMMUNICATE with her about why what she did was wrong. In doing so, you will have a well-behaved child who CHOOSES to be well behaved because they want to be good people, as opposed to being well behaved because their SCARED of punishment. Don’t get me wrong, they should fear punishment. But through communication, that fear will take a back seat to them simply wanting to be good, for their mommies.

Next we have PERSONAL COMMUNICATION. Now, this is the one that breaks my heart. How can we have so many teen pregnancies? So many drop outs? So many suicides? The breakdown of family, and personal communication, THAT is HOW. I have NO IDEA, where this came from, but somehow parents decided they would stop talking to their kids about sex. Yup, I’m going there. It always shocks me, to hear that no parent has had a sex talk with a kid. Why do we have so many sexual active and/or pregnant teens? Because we stopped telling them about how SEX is SPECIAL. I remember the conversation I had with my Mom, and that is where I get this ideology. I remember her telling me how special and IMPORTANT my body and virginity were. How, having sex would CHANGE ME. How, it would effect the way I felt about him, the world and even MYSELF. She also instilled in me, the idea of “waiting as long as you can” but “being safe when I make the decision”. A lot of parents have trouble with this. and religious beliefs come into play. But the basics of my opinion is this: You cannot STOP your child from doing it, if they want to. So, the best thing you can do, is let them know they can TALK TO YOU. If parents took them time to teach their kids the importance of WAITING AND PROTECTION, kids would be able to make better choices. (And, as a special note to those of you that have DAUGHTERS, my mom taught me, and I will teach my daughter, that it isn’t a MAN’S RESPONSIBILITY to have protection. It is a woman’s body and life that will take the most heat in this situation, and therefore they should be looking to protect themselves. Not looking for a guy to do it.) Okay, I’ll get off sex, now. But, this goes for dropping out, doing drugs, even who they date. As parents, we MUST talk to them. You should know everything about them. Who their friends are, what they do, how they act, who they date, etc. A good way to do this, I mentioned in a past blog, talk to them about YOUR LIFE. If you share with them, they will want to share with you. This not only gives parents a HUGE OPENING for teaching and growing their child, but it creates a DEEP BOND between the two, as well. But, you also need to be asking them. Prompting them to share, and encouraging them when they do. And, as a parent, you also have to learn to be a little laid back. You can’t try to CONTROL their life, you try to GUIDE them.  That’s another thing that can break down a relationship. If every time your kid talks to you, you give orders, or judge, or get MAD, you RUIN your teaching opportunity. Instead, realize, you were a kid too, and you did some of the same things. Be easy, tread lightly but still tread.

And lastly, we have DEEP COMMUNICATION. Now, I hate to say it, but I don’t hardly see this in any parents. I think it has a lot to do with that CAPPING I talk about. But this communication is important. It helps create a MORAL COMPASS in children that will guide them the rest of their lives. Also, it will get them to use their brains and make their own decisions. Talk to your kids about politics. religion. social stereotypes, whatever! Discuss the world around them, WITH THEM. You’ll be surprised how many YOUNG CHILDREN have FANTASTIC ideologies on the world. and, if you discuss and encourage them, they will become FAIR and JUST adults. But, the key here is to DISCUSS not LECTURE. Though it is important to pass your opinions on to your children, and to build their moralities upon your beliefs, it is also EQUALLY IMPORTANT that we allow them to make up their OWN MINDS. The only way a person can TRULY STAND behind their decisions is if they made those choices themselves! Encourage your kid to question even YOU!!! Because, we’re though we’re equal, we’re not the same, so some choices you make may not be their personal choice. And that diversity is what is great about the world.

So, now that we have learned to COMMUNICATE, it’s time we begin being INVOLVED.

#2-Be a PART not a PROP.

Many parents believe that by transporting and attending events they are involved. Wrong. That is only BASIC INVOLVEMENT. To actually be involved you must ENGAGE. This means, not only are you attending their baseball game or dance recital but you are practicing with them, encouraging, praising and communicating with them about their FEELINGS towards their chosen  outlet. This also means, not just knowing their friends names, but knowing their personalities, too. Not just knowing their schedules, but the details of every event as well. This BASIC INVOLVEMENT isn’t enough! Your child should feel like you are a piece in their puzzle. Not just a mom, but also a friend who listens and cares about them. In addition to this, you have to also INVOLVE them in YOUR LIFE. Tell them about your job or your passions. Let them help you with a project or a decision. By letting them be involved with you, they will desire to bring  you into their lives. Therefore, creating a deep bond based on love and respect mixed with desire to share.

As I previously stated, these 2 things, communication and involvement are really to blame for the breakdown of our society. And how crazy is it, that all we have to do is be INTERESTED in our children more than ourselves, and yet the world is still breaking down.

 

Join me FRIDAY, as we come to the end of our WALK ON THE WILD SIDE!

Our last topic, will be encouraging YOUR WILD CHILD. Where we will discuss how important it is that we help our kids break down these societal “norms” that are destroying the future…

Until next time,

Wild Mommy MC

@wildmommymc

wildmommymc@yahoo.com

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“I’m a mom not a nun!”- Walking this road as only YOU can

“I’m a MOM not a NUN!”

Yes, that was my response to a woman who, deciding my top was too low cut to be wearing around MY OWN CHILD, told me I wasn’t setting a good example of how a woman should dress for my daughter.

First of all, let me begin by saying, just because you ARE a parent, does not mean you have the right to PARENT SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD or tell them HOW to parent their OWN child. It is one thing, to offer advice, whether solicited or not. And quite another to stand, in front of someone’s CHILD and INSULT them or their parenting!

However, this woman’s inappropriate comment did get me thinking about how much we TRY to change ourselves when we become parents. Now, obviously, there are things that have to change when you become a parent. You can’t be a parent and party all night long, get intoxicated every night, etc. But, again, those are fairly obvious! The change that I am talking about is subtle. It begins, in moms, when we become preggo! From the moment you are AWARE of that little person inside of you, you begin to take stock of your life. You really do begin to see things differently. And a lot of times, it’s all for the good! OF COURSE you have to learn not to spend all your money on shoes! and of course, you should probably NOT wear your Prada around spit up, so you should probably consider Walmart from now on. Yeah, I get it, some things do HAVE TO CHANGE. But, they DO NOT have to disappear.

#1- Do what you LOVE.

You find out you’re pregnant. Suddenly, all of those awesome things you used to be involved with are out of the picture.

The worst part about this change, is that in the beginning it seems like the right thing to do.  Many moms do it, before they even realize they have. At first, it’s because we don’t want to be away from our child, then it becomes we are too busy as moms to have time for ourselves. I am sure, most people, have heard at least one mom talk about never getting to do anything for herself. Well, it’s true! Most moms, spend every waking moment making sure someone ELSE is happy.  Under the guise of being a good mom, many of us will sacrifice our wants, desires and NEEDS. And the reality is, if we took more time for ourselves, we would be better moms! When you spend all of your time, pouring yourself out for others, and no time filling yourself up, you will soon become empty. And you don’t just become empty for yourself, you will be EMPTY FOR OTHERS, as well. So, it is important to stay involved in your passions. Continue to read, write, dance, bake, tattoo or pierce yourself. Whatever it is, that FILLS YOU UP. Because, you cannot be any good for your child if you are empty. Plus, it sets a great example for your child, to see YOU doing what you love. It inspires them to do the same.

#2- Mommy Style, NOT Granny Style.

Okay, so this will more directly address the woman who confronted me about my top.

First of all, I do, in fact, wear low cut shirts. HOWEVER, I would not call any of them too low cut. None of my outfits have “plunging” necklines. Most are regular shirts, I just happen to have a lot of cleavage!

But, what I really want to point out, is that the lady is just wrong in her logic! Her ideology is that because my daughter sees me wearing something low cut, she will become a hussy. Well, let’s take a look at that.  First, let’s consider the fact that just because someone dresses a certain way, does not mean it is indicative of their behavior or attitude. I have known many women who dressed conservatively, but slept around. And I have known many women who dress sexily and have NEVER slept around. So, I’d pretty much say that you cannot judge a book by it’s cover.  and secondly, I’d like to point out the fact that you, reader, probably DO NOT dress like your mother.  And you’re not alone in that. I would say MOST TEENAGERS do NOT consider their parent’s style, when choosing their own.  So, if we’re not talking consciously, then sub-consciously. Well, subconsciously, The only thing my daughter will learn from my low-cut shirts is how to be stylish! lol Because, what I wear doesn’t make me who I am! My low cut shirt doesn’t make me a hussy. Acting like a hussy makes you a hussy. Acting like a hussy in front of your child, will create a hussy. In no way am I saying we don’t have an affect. I’m just saying, if you teach your kid the right MORALS, what they wear won’t matter. What YOU wear won’t matter. Boo may grow up thinking “My mom dressed really sexy back then” But she will also grow up knowing how to be a GOOD RESPECTABLE WOMAN, because THAT is who I AM! So, don’t give up your cute outfits and sexy shoes, just teach them the MORALS to back it up.

AND Finally,

#3- It’s YOUR child.

Like I mentioned earlier, there is a difference between parenting ADVICE and bad-mouthing a parent. Obviously, I think advice from other parents can be a good thing. Duh, otherwise we wouldn’t be here! But, I believe I have mentioned, and will probably continue to mention, that the choices you make on how to raise your child are PERSONAL. How you decided to raise your child is NOT my business. Now, I will give advice til I am blue in the face. And if I ever KNEW of any child abuse it would be reported. But beyond that, everyone has the right to create their own family’s rules and procedures.  The greatest tragedy, is seeing a parent BEND to the will of a non-parent. Just because a person is older and/or more experienced with children does not mean they know what is right for YOU and YOURS. Each person is different, each family is different and what works for some may not work for others.  While I totally  believe that, as a parent, you should read any and all information you can get your hands on and listen to everybody’s advice, I don’t believe that ALL the advice and information you find should be integrated into your parenting techniques. Find the ones you agree with, and integrate those. THEN, Don’t let ANYONE make you feel bad or WRONG for how you choose to raise YOUR CHILD.

Many, MANY people have argued with me about my parenting techniques. And my response to them is always the same… “So, where’s your Cesarian scar from Boo’s birth?”  Meaning, you didn’t go through those 9 long months, you didn’t spend a month on bed rest in a hospital, you didn’t get your stomach cut open in order for her to come into this world, so do not try to TAKE OVER what is NOT YOURS!  lol

 

When you’re a Mom, it almost seems selfish to even consider YOURSELF for a moment. and that, my fellow moms, is a BIG FLAW in our Mom Logic.  The best thing we can do for our FAMILY and CHILD, is take care of ourselves and be a little selfish sometimes. Trust me, no mom will ever be able to put herself first. But, you can find ways to at least be #4 or #5, right? RIGHT!

This means, you take time to consider and utilize the 3 tips I have just given you:

#1- Do what you love- remember to fill your cup up with the things you enjoy, so that you can be there to fill up your kid’s cup!

#2- Mommy Style, NOT granny style- remember, don’t ditch the outfits, ditch the ACTIONS. Be a mom, dress like a model.

#3- It’s YOUR child- remember that only YOU AND YOURS can create the best foundation for your family

So, now that we have a basis for keeping ourselves REAL, Join me Wednesday when we discuss “Keeping ourselves WILD!”

Where we will talk about ways to keep yourself involved and engaged with your child! As well as fighting that ever growing child attitude of “Parents just don’t understand”.

 

Til next time,

Wild Mommy MC

@Wildmommymc

wildmommymc@yahoo.com

Our Walk, continued…

Hey Everybody! So, Does everyone remember #5?

“Don’t Cap Intelligence”- Don’t assume your child cannot understand, just continue to make teaching moments out of every moment!

So, now we can continue on to 

#4- “Honesty IS the best policy”.

Now, in my last BLOG, I said that we would be discussing a trait we all want our children to have and yet we do things to teach them the opposite. Well, as you probably figured out, that trait is HONESTY! Now, before we discuss honesty, I want to discuss lying. Particularly the 3 types of lies.

1. Out right Lie- When asked a question, you lie

2. Made up Lie- You create a lie, without question

3. Silent Lie- You lie by action or omission

I don’t know many people that ARE NOT guilty of at least ONE type of lie in their life, if not ALL 3! Myself included! Almost all of us are guilty of all 3 during childhood. and many of us are guilty during teenage years and up! And, I hate to say it, but just about ALL parents are guilty of lying to their children in ONE of the three ways…Yes, even me. But I have, since realizing the damaging results caused by this, tried very hard to change my ways with my daughter. Believe me, it is hard sometimes. But, seeing the positive results of honesty in our relationship, has begun to make it easier. And it’s become contagious with Daddy, too!

So, there are SOME lies we tell our children, just about all of us, that EVERYONE accepts. Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa, etc. And though I protested my whole life about not teaching my OWN child these lies, I have a daughter who believe in them all! Why, some might ask. Because she has cousins. and Mammaw. And Grandmom. And the list goes on and on. Well, I just caved! And, I got to experience Santa with Bailey. Which also meant facing my fear of Santa (yes, you are reading correctly, FEAR of SANTA). And, it was pretty awesome. So, I have changed my mind on THESE particular lies. IF you CAN get around them, try it, I’d love to hear from anyone choosing that! If you can’t or don’t want to, don’t feel bad! The discoveries of these lies have taken on such a “right of passage” in our society, with so many children experiencing it, I suppose children might be missing out if they DON’T experience it. (Hm, hadn’t ever really thought about it that way before now! See, I’m growing too!)

So, we’ll move on to the first type of lie

#1- Out right Lie

There are some parents who do this. Plain and simple. They lie to their kids to either avoid a tough subject or avoid a long talk. Folks, I hate to say it, but I think this is PLAIN WRONG. There are ways to avoid tough subjects, but at some point you need to discuss those tough issues anyways! And, don’t lie to avoid long talks, if you don’t have TIME, simply discuss it LATER. (MOMMY TIP: Get a journal and write down ANY idea you can’t discuss RIGHT THEN. Makes your kid feel super important, and makes for great memorabilia!) But the outright lying most parents are guilty of is lying to OTHER PEOPLE in FRONT of your child. I’m not going to say that you should stop lying. I’d be a MAJOR hypocrite. But, what I learned, was to try not to do it in FRONT of my daughter. Cutting down on her exposure to lies that, inevitably, you will make. (lol) Obviously, the best thing, would be to NOT lie, ever, not even FIB… but that’s an order even I can’t fill, as Wild Mommy, so I cannot TELL you guys that! But I can encourage it! So, let’s all try not to LIE at all! Crazy Concept, I know! (lol)

Anyways! On to the next one:

#2- Made-up Lies

Obviously, the idea of fabricating a lie for your child is ridiculous. Any parent who does this (other than the aforementioned common holiday characters) would be considered a bad parent. Right? WRONG! Parents do this all the time. And honestly, it drives me crazy. Stories about monsters getting children for not sleeping or misbehaving DRIVE ME CRAZY! I just can’t help it! I in no way want my child to learn to behave out of fear, I want her to learn to behave out of respect and LOGIC! Stay in your bed at night, why, because a monster will get you if you don’t? NO! Because it is bedtime, I am your parent and these are the rules. I won’t even act like I know some big relationship with a negative affect. I don’t. I just simply do not like this way of parenting. I think it’s a pointless lie. Which could perpetuate an assortment of problems in your relationship or NONE.

BUT, the real issue I want to address is:

Creating lies WITHIN your child.

We’ve all seen this. And it ranges from parents not creating TRUTH within their children to parents creating LIES withing their children. Parents all over the world are responsible for the upbringing of DECENT people. It is our job to create the best little THEM we can, before we send them off to face the world. So why are so many parents sending their kids off with BROKEN spirits and NO SENSE of SELF WORTH? Like I said, it ranges from lack of truth building to actual LIE building. It can come in many forms, one of which is PUSHING your child to do BETTER. There is a difference between PUSHING and ENCOURAGING. Children who feel constantly PUSHED to do BETTER, may develop a sense of “never being good enough”. I’m not saying you do not encourage your kid to do better, but you have to praise them for what they HAVE done, as well as allow them to “have done their best”. Another form it comes in is different for boys and girls. For boys, it is “Boys Don’t Cry” for girls it is “Girl Power”. There are not 2 greater lies, we tell our children, than these. So many boys are brought up feeling that any emotional response from them is WEAKNESS. And so many girls are brought up feeling femininity and loving a man is WEAKNESS. These two concepts are so deeply woven in our society, that we don’t even see them anymore. We need to break these molds. I think if we could, communication between sexes would open. Because all the “girl power” is making the “boys don’t cry” worse, which in turn makes the boys tougher on the girls so the girls “girl power” up! It’s a vicious sexist cycle that we begin teaching them in childhood! And, it needs to stop, really.

Lastly, we have the parents that pick on their children’s physical or mental attributes. If you, as a parent, have ever made fun of your child for any of their physical or mental attributes (i.e. short, skinny, fat, shy, loud mouth, stupid, etc.) you have planted a LIE WITHIN YOUR CHILD that will FOLLOW them for the rest of their LIFE! The most damaging thing a parent can do is point out and scrutinize a child’s characteristics. Every child should enter life feeling as self-confident as possible. If you plant any seed about their character, it will grow as they grow, affecting EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of WHO THEY ARE! So you have to choose the right seeds! Encourage you child to be original, to be simply THEM! I tell my daughter, just about every day, that she is beautiful. My boyfriend, her “Daddy”, tells her the same. (He also tells me everyday as well, for more info on that: wildwifey.wordpress.com) I want her to hear “You are beautiful, nice, sweet, kind, worthy, etc” as many times as she can throughout the time she is in my care. Then I plan on telling her at least ONE of those every time I communicate with her throughout her adult life. Another thing I think parents sometimes neglect to say OFTEN is “I am Proud of YOU”. Too many kids are sent off either a) NEVER hearing it or b) NOT hearing it ENOUGH.

and LASTLY, (drumroll, please)

#3- Silent Lies

This is the big one folks, the one that probably most of us are guilty of, including, again, myself. These are the lies we don’t TELL, but SHOW. One example of “silent lies” is saying that you NEVER do something or that you ALWAYS do something. Perhaps even using it to “set an example” for your child. Then turning around and doing or not doing that very thing. This can also kind of cover the “Do as I say, not as I do”. In a way, it’s a lie, too.

But my biggest example is a silent lie that sometimes ventures into the out right and made-up lie. When you are upset, angry or stressed, do you tell your child why?

It is sad for me to see it, but I see it all the time. Mothers and Fathers who do not share their feelings with their children.  And I think it is a terrible waste.

The argument is, of course, made that parents shouldn’t burden their children. But the fact is, whether an explanation is given, a child can VERY MUCH tell that there is a problem. Even INFANTS can tell when their parents are stressed. This, I actually DO know fact about! (lol) Children are GREATLY affected by the moods, attitudes, actions and interactions of their care-givers! By not talking to them ABOUT the REASON for these issues, all we do is create an even MORE stressful environment. Where the child KNOWS something is wrong, but cannot reach ANY level of resolve. Are there perhaps some issues too mature for your child at whatever age they currently sit? SURE! But there are also LEVELS of explanation that can be given to alleviate some stress without creating an “awkward” or “too mature” situation. And the thing is, your child is not the only one that will benefit. You will too! Not only will you see an increase in the amount of information your child will want to share with you, But you also get the amazing insight of your child on these different issues. And, you won’t believe how CLEARLY children can see situations. Sometimes, the advice they give can be better than any you have ever considered because they see the world so SIMPLY. Not to mention, we all know that by sharing you strengthen and deepen relationships. And who wouldn’t want that for themselves and their child? And, down the road, your child will be more open to the world and the people in it. Their relationships will deepen because they will be able to share and be share with in return.

There are many personality traits we would like for our children to have when they are grown. Humor, Generosity, Compassion, etc. But the one trait no child should be without is honesty. Honesty is a big part of the foundation for any decent human-being. And yet it’s so easy to teach our kids the exact opposite. But, we have to keep trying to show them the honesty, so that they can grow up being honest, good people.

So, let’s review the 3 types of lies:

1. Out right Lie- When asked a question, you lie

2. Made up Lie- You create a lie, without question

3. Silent Lie- You lie by action or omission

It’s a long, tough, hard road parents. And largely in part to the fact that it means WE have to change! (lol) But, I think we can do it!

Join me MONDAY, as we continue our “Walk on the Wild Side“… a closer look at being a better Mommy! We will pick up with #3- Stay true to YOU, where we will discuss how important it is to not lose sight of who you are, when becoming a Mommy!

Until Next time,

Wild Mommy MC

@wildmommymc

WildMommyMC@yahoo.com

A walk on the WILD SIDE!

So, remember how we went over the “Top 5 Ways to be a Wild Mommy”?

After I wrote that, I soon realized there was a LOT MORE information there than I originally thought. The BLOG became fairly lengthy and I never REALLY got around to explaining the WILD side of Wild Mommy, either! I also realized that once a week, well, just really wasn’t enough! Honestly, with so much to say in just my FIRST BLOG, I thought to myself “Why not more like Monday, Wednesday, Friday?”. So, well, here I am, with another little gem, (Not quite so lengthy this time, either!)

So, the first thing I’ll do is remind everyone of the Top 5 list:

#1- Affection is the best Affirmation(Submitted by my beautiful daughter)

#2- Stay COOL

#3- Take time to LISTEN

#4- DO NOT spare the rod

#5- Set up the Framework for Friendship

These 5 Mommy attributes are a great foundation for ANY parent! I have seen, in my relationship with my daughter, that these 5 things CAN greatly improve:

a) your relationship,

b) your child’s behavior,

c) you and your family’s stress levels

and,

d) you and your family’s future!

So, implement those ideas, and you become a MOMMY. But what I consider the “Wild Side” is the addition of other behaviors that separate you from the “norm”.

Now, there are many smaller attributes to being a WILD mommy. Some of my PERSONAL ones include: having tattoos, having a tongue ring, listening to popular music, being fashionable, encouraging Boo (my girl) to sing, dance and act silly and doing those things MYSELF! But I realize, some of you, may not include all of those things! That’s why I say the definition of Wild Mommy is personal. But the idea is that you have those little attributes that throw out the old-school idea of becoming a mother being similar to becoming a NUN! lol But, there are also some attributes, more like my previous “Top 5” that, again, break the mold! So, I’d now like to discuss those. BUT, I am definitely more aware of length now, so I will be breaking it down into a FEW medium BLOGS instead of one super huge blog!

Here is the list of the

TOP 5 ways to be WILD:

#5- Don’t cap intelligence

#4- Honesty IS the best policy

#3- Stay true to YOU

#2- Keep yourself WILD

#1- Encourage a WILD child

So, we’ll start with #5 and work our way down to #1 over the next few BLOGS. and again, since I realize I have so much more to say about being a Wild Mommy, I intend on BLOGGING every Monday, Wednesday and Friday instead of the aforementioned “once a week”!

Okay, so let’s begin with our # 5 way to be WILD:

#5- Don’t Cap Intelligence

At first glance, this seems like a fairly OBVIOUS “good idea”! And I would think most of you are sitting there going “Well, DUH!”. But I am almost DOUBLY certain you have all DONE this very thing. I know I did it. All the time, with other children and even my OWN in the beginning. It comes in the form of “I will tell you when you’re older”.  Now, I want to begin by saying, of COURSE there are some pieces of information, simply not suited for certain ages. Particularly those of a sexual nature. BUT, there is a lot of information that isn’t unsuitable, rather, we believe it is too COMPLEX for our little ones. I believe this begins at a YOUNG age. I’m talking NEWBORN! Something I did with Boo, that I believe has made her so intelligent, is that I explained EVERYTHING. Not only would I narrate my actions when she watched me perform a task, but even before she could talk, when she was disciplined she also received very SIMPLE explanations. Now, I had several people argue with me over this ideology. The main argument in explaining things to toddlers or younger is that they simply “Don’t Understand what You’re saying”. And while some of the words you may use might be new to your child, most of them will be words he/she has encountered before. By using these words, over and over, we actually TEACH the DEFINITION! And, by introducing NEW words, we EXPAND their VOCABULARY. You could ask anyone who knows my Boo, for a 4 year old, her vocabulary is fairly extensive. Not only does she have a decent command of grammar and syntax, but she uses many words and phrases that you wouldn’t expect a 4 year old to know. All because I made sure to explain EVERYTHING and talk to her with as much respect to her growing mind as possible. The fact is, when your baby is stringing together garbled speech, inside their MIND is a much more complex idea! They just can’t get it out! So, just because they cannot SAY IT BACK, doesn’t mean they don’t UNDERSTAND! Heck, I can go one step further, even if you’d like to argue that there is no way they understand all of the meaning, let me point out that we talk and explain things like “bad boy” to our DOGS! And Dogs, who we know have no true concept of ENGLISH LANGUAGE, actually LEARN the explanations! It has been proven time and time again, that they LEARN that a particular set of sounds strung together, mean a particular set of actions/feelings from their master. If a DOG can learn this, are you telling me your CHILD cannot? So, no, they might not understand at first, but they will learn. Also, much like dogs, children are EXTREMELY good at understanding TONE. And that will also help them to learn the definitions of words.

One of the phrases, most commonly heard by parents is the old “Because I said so”. I have always had a problem with this.The fact is, as parents, it’s our job to teach our children MORALS. So, by using that phrase you are defaulting to control and submission instead of encouraging their brains to make MORALS. Don’t get me wrong, your child SHOULD respect you enough that because you said so is a good enough reason to STOP their behavior, but for you as a parent, it’s not a good enough explanation! Really explain to them exactly WHY what they did was WRONG. Not only will it increase their vocabulary and encourage them to THINK, but in the end you get a child who understands why they shouldn’t repeat the action due to LOGIC instead of fear! It will also build their ability to perceive which actions COULD merit the same response. Now, this creates intelligence in “Don’t do this” situations, but it creates something even GREATER in “hurting others” situations. I discovered, in raising Boo, that as I took the time to explain why what she did HURT myself or another, she became a deeper, more thoughtful and compassionate little person! And one thing I have learned to include is an example of the wrong they did, done to them. Then you ask them “And how would YOU feel?”. It gets them thinking, but with their HEARTS. Creating a kid that actually CARES about the people surrounding him/her.

The last addition to Capping Intelligence is a quote I like to use

“When she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to know”

I implement this into my parenting ALL THE TIME! And I have received a lot of MIXED reviews on my method! Some people, cannot let go of the “Age Restrictions” we have put on information. Well, I happen to think that is somewhat crazy! Now, there are certain topics which I avoid with Boo, but it’s easy to avoid them now because she cannot articulate more detailed questions. However, my 4 year old has already asked me how she was made. The short answer was my choice, By your Daddy C and me. Then I went on to explain genetics. How you get half of your daddy’s traits and half of your mommy’s traits, pointing out the ones she had from each of her parents! See, I didn’t have to discuss sex, because she has no concept of it. But she does have a concept of EXISTING, and wanted to know how that came about. However, when she does reach the age, where she can articulate the appropriate question of MECHANICS, I fully intend on telling her. Because in my opinion, if she’s old enough to ask ME, she is old enough to ask someone else. And I’d rather her information come from me, since I am the one in charge of her safe-keeping and MORALITY building! Sounds like a great concept, right? But, inevitably the argument will come that this method simply makes children grow up too fast. No. Simple as that, it WILL NOT. In no way does intelligence lead to maturity. I am CERTAIN, everyone out there knows at least ONE smart, but socially immature person. There is your irrefutable proof. Social maturing comes from EXPERIENCE, not knowledge. Now, perhaps you will increase the advance of maturity by giving your child knowledge, but it will not take away from their childhood experiences. The only way you can “grow your child up” too fast, is by forcing them to use their knowledge to change their experiences. An intelligent kid, left alone, might do more educational activities, but they won’t completely neglect playing tag, hide and go seek and doing other normal social “kid” activities. However, it can encourage relationships with other intelligent children, encourage depth to childhood relationships and deepen appreciation and enjoyment for all activities. It’s up to you, as a parent, to maintain that balance! Don’t PUSH your kid to do something of a higher maturity! If they encounter it on their own, and decide to be involved, that’s their CHOICE! But otherwise, let them be kids, just SMART kids! lol

So that’s it for Capping Intelligence! I hope this will encourage everyone to teach their kid something NEW and INTELLIGENT! Taking the time out to teach your child EVERYTHING, may seem like a daunting task, but as you do it, it becomes a normal thing. Each one of your child’s questions becomes a learning experience, instead of just an answer! And you will be amazed at how much your child will, in turn, WANT to learn about the world around them. You’ll also have many chances to really SEE your child as the person they are becoming. And, trust me, it is super neat, to hear your child’s opinion on intelligent subjects!

For instance, it absolutely amazed me when my daughter wanted to know what “gay” meant. And, at first, I wondered if I should even go there. But, she had picked up on the topic of “Gay Marriage” and she didn’t understand what that meant. So I explained that when I man loves a man or a woman loves a woman that is gay, or homosexual. When a man or woman loves the opposite, it is straight. Then she asked “So, gay people can’t get married?”. I was shocked. I had never actually said that to her, she had picked it up from the news! (little satellite ears) So, I answered her, “No, they are not”. And what was her response?

“That’s not fair mommy, if you love someone you should get married! That’s what you do!”.

I personally, agree with her, though I respect (AND UNDERSTAND) those who do not. But what really amazed me is that she came up with her OWN OPINION. Never had I actually discussed the right/wrong of gay marriage. Never had I really discussed homosexuality at all! She was curious about a word: Gay. Her curiosity sparked her intelligence, so she asked me. Her intelligence led her to more knowledge, so she began thinking. That thinking led her to a MORAL. A moral I am very proud to say that she has!

That’s what I want everyone to see with ALL of this.

That AMAZING, chain reaction that happens, when you Do not Cap your child’s Intelligence!

Well, THANKS for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and perhaps, learned some too!

Join me TOMORROW, as we look at #4- Honesty is the best Policy. Tied into our previous list’s #5, Framework for Friendship, we take a look at this attribute that we all want our children to have and yet we do things to teach them the opposite!

Until next time,

Wild Mommy MC

@wildmommymc

wildmommymc@yahoo.com

SO what EXACTLY is a Wild Mommy?

As some of you may have read in my INTRO, being a Wild Mommy has a general and personal meaning to every mom out there! Being a Wild Mommy is having a set of ideas about parenting and living by that ideology, always complying with the standards you have decided are best for you, your partner and your child.

Here are the TOP 5 ways to be a Wild Mommy!

#5- Set up the Framework for Friendship.

You will hear a lot of argument over the idea of “being your child’s friend”. From both a professional and personal viewpoint, people have argued this topic BOTH ways. Well, much like the long-time argument over nature/nurture, I believe it comes down to a combination of BOTH viewpoints. Don’t be mistaken, in no way do I condone being your child’s friend and NOT their parent. You do nothing but destroy your child’s foundation when you step out as a parent. However, there will come a time in your child’s life, whether it be young adulthood or adulthood, when you will WANT to be friends with them, in addition to your already established parent/child relationship. It adds a depth to your relationship when you can include friend-like structure to a mature parent/child relationship. Well, in order to have that relationship when your child is GROWN, you have to lay the framework for it when they’re YOUNG. In order to do that, but maintain your parental status as disciplinarian, you have to make boundaries clear. Essentially, you want to be able to say “I am your friend, until this point” At whatever point that may be, you draw the line of where friendship turns into parenting. And just like ANY OTHER BOUNDARY your child will push it. And, believe me, this boundary is a hard one to keep. But you must. So, how do you set up the Framework For Friendship. Talk to your kid! You have no idea how much deeper my relationship is with my daughter because I talk to her. Not about just HER issues or life lessons, but I share my issues and lessons. Parents spend a lot of time hiding their emotions, problems and lessons learned from their kids. I would say the general consensus is that most parent’s feel it’s not… right… I guess, to share your problems and burdens with a child. Now, I get it, adults go through issues that should NOT be shared with children. However, I would bet MOST people have some issue or stress in their life that COULD be explained and shared with their child. Why do we hide it? I’ll never understand! Some people claim they want to teach their kids to be strong, or simply just want to BE STRONG for their kids. But the real deal here, folks, is that there is a LIFE LESSON to be learned in sharing your problems and worries! By YOU sharing with them, they in turn will continue to want to share their life problems with YOU. Don’t just share the bad either, take time to tell your kids about the adventures you have in life. Tell them when you’re excited about something, or when something BIG is going on at work. Heck, tell them all about your WORK! The more you talk to them, the more they will talk to you. and along the way you get to hear THEIR opinion of your “BIG ISSUES” which can sometimes give you a perspective you never would have considered before! And it all comes down to simply talking with your kid! Just taking time to share with them and hear their opinion. It establishes a friendship, cultivates intelligence and fortifies the idea in your child that you truly love and care for not just their basic needs, but for who they are inside.

#4- DO NOT spare the rod

Please, in no way, shape or form get me wrong. I do NOT support the abuse of children. However, I am and always will be a supporter of Corporal Punishment- a form of physical punishment that involves the deliberate infliction of pain as retribution for an offense, or for the purpose of disciplining or reforming a wrongdoer, or to deter attitudes or behavior deemed unacceptable. (Thanks Wikipedia for that definition!) There is NOTHING WRONG with spanking your child. Anyone who would like to argue this with me, may, but be warned, I have studied and researched all sides of this and my conclusion is an amount of corporal punishment can substantially help in the molding of good behavior. Spanking can help and it’s my opinion that EARLY in life, it is the BEST if not ONLY way to reach them! However, much like being their friend, there has to be a combination. You cannot always simply spank. One thing I have been praised for are the explanation skills I use with my girl. My daughter does not simply get spanked. Usually we begin by me PROMPTING her into telling me what it is that she did wrong. Doing this allows her a chance to recognize and understand what she did wrong. Ask questions like “Do you think that’s nice?” or “Is it FAIR to take someone’s toy?”. Try reversing it on them “If someone took YOUR toy how would YOU feel?”. After she has identified what she did wrong and WHY it was wrong we move onto punishment. She will be told, the punishment for what you did wrong is a spanking. When she was younger she would argue, like most kids, and my response to her arguments would be “This is not my fault, it is yours. You were told not to do [whatever], but YOU chose to do it anyways. Did you know that it was wrong? Did you know you would be spanked if you did it?” (Both answers should be yes) “Then you CHOSE to be spanked”. Really trips them out when you lay that bomb on them! After 4 years of this method, If you ask my daughter, when she’s in trouble, if she deserved her spanking, she will tell you yes. Not only that but now that she’s a little older she will tell you, when she has been caught in trouble, that she will “take her spanking like a big girl and she won’t cry because she knows it was her own fault.”. THAT is the kind of person I want to say I brought into this world! She is 4 and already takes  personal responsibility for her actions! Now, as they grow older, in my opinion, you stop the spanking and move to new consequences. This can be different for everyone! Time outs can be very helpful, my only suggestion is don’t force a time-out in a corner. Tell them to take their time out to a no-toy, no-tv area, but let them choose. In doing this, they won’t focus as much on BEING THERE as they will on WHY they are there. It’s also very important that you RE-EXPLAIN why they got in trouble after the time-out is over. Don’t let the lesson be lost! Also, don’t promise a consequence you cannot live with! There have been times when I have ALMOST used an activity I needed for a consequence. Example: If you do not stop [whatever] we will not go to the park. Well, that’s fine and dandy until bedtime rolls around and the kiddo is FULL of energy because they didn’t get to burn it off! You CAN back yourself into a disciplinarian corner! So be careful! And spank your kid when they deserve it, just help them understand the idea of deserving it.

#3- Take time to LISTEN

I know, it sounds HORRIBLY cliche. But I don’t just mean take time to have conversations, I mean take time to LISTEN. All the time, I see parents just simply OVERRUNNING their children. There is a difference between “Putting your foot down” and not even considering your child’s thoughts. The best example of a mom needing to just stop and LISTEN, that I have. One day, when I was in the restroom at work, a mom and daughter came in to use the facilities. I was grooming myself in the mirror when they came to wash their hands. The little girl told her mom she wanted to wash her own hands. But, Mom was in a hurry and that seemed like it would take too long, so she told her no and picked her up to LIFT her to the sink. As the mom was balancing the girl on one raised knee, turning on the water, soaping and rinsing the girl’s hands, the little girl was STEADY whining. About what, is entirely unsure, since her mother was disciplining OVER her perceived bad attitude. Come to find out, the way the mom was holding the little girl against the counter was HURTING her. Only after the little girl went into hysterics did the mother raise the girl’s shirt up to reveal where the counter had actually BROKEN SKIN! The entire time the mother thought the little girl was arguing about not being allowed to wash her own hands, when in reality she was trying to tell her mother that she was hurting her. Enough said? It’s the little things, moms and dads! So many times throughout their little lives they will be ignored. Even by the BEST parent. But you can truly benefit from stopping yourself from running your child’s VOICE over. Not only can you avoid issues like the previous story, but, by taking the time to LISTEN to them, we establish in them a sense of importance. They feel like their opinion and voice matter to you! As a parent, the best thing you can give your child is confidence in that voice! If they feel like that as kids, when they are adults they will feel their ideas and in fact, they, themselves are valuable. And that is a necessary feeling!

#2- Stay COOL

First, I will admit, this will always be a “work in progress” attribute for me. Keeping your cool is quite possibly the toughest part about being a parent. The deal is, other than your spouse, you can bet your child will be the single most unnerving person in your life. It isn’t just the stress of keeping the little person ALIVE, but also molding and shaping them into a GOOD person too! This means acting as a refining fire, burning all the impurities out. And as we all know, fire is dangerous and painful! Your kid will find all the ways to push all your buttons. and once they have found them, they will play them buttons like a piano! Not to mention the vast majority of little annoyances that most ADULTS know to avoid, your kid will find AMUSING! It is INEVITABLE! They will piss you off. But it’s YOUR responsibility as a parent to KEEP YOUR COOL! How you react to those little annoyances is where your child will get their cue for dealing with their life stresses. If every time your kid makes a mistake you blow up at them not only are you essentially telling them mistakes aren’t OKAY, but you are showing them that the proper way to react to a mistake or stress is to LOSE YOUR SHIT! Do you really want your kid to live life just losing their shit over everything?? NOPE! So, you have to learn to keep yours!! I’ll tell you, the biggest reason I have seen for kids bugging their parents is attention. I would bet if instead of acting huffy, you turned around and spent 5 MINUTES just concentrated on your kid, lots of those little annoyances would go away! But a lot of times we, instead, just get frustrated by their “cries for attention”. I’d love to say “here are some tips for keeping your cool” but honestly, they’re different for every different person. What calms you down may not calm me down. However, there is one SIMPLE thought you can hold in your mind when you begin to feel your cool slipping away. Take a deep breath, look at your child, your beautiful child and think “He/She is just a kid, I am the adult, so I should act as one”. If you need to walk away, do so! But don’t blow up at your kid. It isn’t their fault you cannot control your emotions at the moment, so do not punish them for it! Also, don’t punish in ANGER! It is VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE COMPLETELY COOL-HEADED WHEN YOU DISCIPLINE. If you discipline with a temper, the lesson will be lost to fear. I don’t think anyone would say they have accomplished MORE in a situation by being hot-headed! But just think of it this way, do you want the lesson to be “Don’t make Mommy mad” or “Don’t do [whatever]” ? If you approach discipline in anger, what you are establishing is that they are wrong for MAKING YOU MAD. and that is all they will see. How MAD you are at them. You won’t get the great teaching opportunities that these times can bring, you will get a kid who feels all they do is anger you. The 2nd half to “Keeping Your Cool” is apologizing when you lose it. Most parents, throughout their kids life, will teach them that when you do someone wrong, you apologize. And yet, when we blow up at our kid for interrupting or bugging us, we say it’s perfectly fine! I have seen parents blow up, heck, I have blown up many times! Now, if you were a grown adult and another grown adult spoke to you the way we sometimes blow up at our kids, you might have a real fight on your hands. I don’t get it! Snap at a coworker and you will apologize. Yell at your kid for them asking a question and you will justify. No, there’s no justification. Even if they are clearly in the wrong, blowing up isn’t how you handle it! So, when you do slip up and explode, make sure you apologize and in my opinion, explain. My daughter will benefit from hearing me say “I was wrong, I apologize. Mommy shouldn’t act like that, even when you’re misbehaving”. Children will benefit from seeing their parents being honest and having integrity that doesn’t lapse because they are children and not adults.

and lastly,

#1- Affection is the best Affirmation(Submitted by my beautiful daughter)

When I asked her for her input on my first blog “How to be a Wild Mommy” she responded that the most important thing for being a good, wild mommy is to always kiss, hug and tell your baby you love them. I felt, it deserved to be #1! There’s an epidemic happening moms and dads. Somewhere along the line, parents suddenly forgot to be affectionate with their kids. Perhaps it’s not just that. Perhaps we have been made to feel that affection isn’t appropriate. There are so many empty spaces between families right now that could be filled with a hug or kiss. Let me just say this in no way, shape or form is it WRONG for a mother or father to touch, rub, tickle, kiss, hug or pat their child. In fact, I will go so far as to say it is WRONG for you to NOT touch, rub, tickle, kiss, hug or pat your child. Physical connection is a LARGE part of our needs as a human. Your child needs to FEEL you. Infants actually BOND by being skin to skin. Everyday! Everyday you should be doing something PHYSICAL to assert your love for your child. Of course, everyday should include a mental assertion as well, but that physical contact is important! I mean, my 4 yr olds only requirement for a “Good Mom” is one that kisses, hugs and tells her she’s loved. She asked for the 3 simplest forms of PROOF of my love. A hug, A kiss and A word. That’s what they need. They need to know, in every way possible, that you are 100% crazy in love with them! and honestly, that isn’t too much to ask!

So there you have it, my TOP 5 ways to be a Wild Mommy! I hope you enjoyed my little insights and come back to see more! I thoroughly enjoyed writing my first BLOG and cannot wait to write more! Feel free to comment, like and SHARE!

Until next time…

LovePeaceUnity

Wild Mommy MC

Wildmommymc@yahoo.com

@wildmommymc on twitter

http://www.wildmommymc.com